Club Blog

Readership

2007-10-06T12:06:00.000-07:00

So, I wake up this morning and here is the message I have received from Blogspot:

Dear EleventhStreetClubbingBlog.blogspot.com,

It has come to our computers' attentions that your readership has well exceeded the allowed number of readers per blog. Our servers are having what is known in layman's terms, as a "meltdown like Chernobyl or Three Mile Island." Please reduce your readership by two readers within the next week, or we will be forced to suspend your Blog for four days.

Thank you,
Blobspogt

Um. WHAT?! I know I'm not perfect about updating my blog, and hell, I've even tried to quit a few times for the sake of my true love—art—but, you know that if I'm not allowed to blog for four days, well, each day will just be worse and worse. It's like putting a cake in the oven and just making me watch it getting more and more delicious each day, but I can't open the oven because I'll burn myself. So, yeah, I'm really gonna let THAT happen.

Here is what we need to do. I need each of you guys, my readers, to decide on your own if you REALLY read this blog religiously. And if you think maybe you don't read it that regularly, or you maybe don't always "get it" then I want you to do the honorable thing and email me so I can remove you from my blog readership. Just man up. There are people who check this blog every five minutes, and I don't want them to suffer because of you. I'm sorry about this, but you know it's the right thing.

Thank you,
EleventhStreetClubbingBlog.blogspot.com

Back by Popular Demand

2007-09-30T13:16:00.000-07:00

Well, this is a big surprise for me writing this and for the literally hundreds of you reading this. It's a little embarrassing, but I haven't had any time to work on this blog for a couple months because I've been working so hard on the eleventhstreetclubbingblog newsletter that goes out to eleventhstreetclubbingblog.com subscribers. I send out the newsletter about once every two weeks, and it is exhausting. It involves a lot of InCopy/InDesign sort of bullshit, etc. but no need to go into that here—it's all covered in the newsletter. Those of you who receive the updates about the blog via newsletter, I hope you enjoy them, and that it's all worth it. I look forward to reading your comments/reciprocal newsletters.

Ha. "But what about the clubs?!" you're thinking. Rightly so. Little known fact: is it easier to get a girlfriend at a club, or at a, say, Jack Johnson concert? The answer may surprise you: both. It is easy to get a girlfriend at both of those venues, but only one offers the dual promises of a girl and the clubbing experience. Oh, also, run out to stores now and you can pick up my new book: Clublife, by Rob.

QUIK QUIZ: Did you know that Jack Johnson is white? He is a white man.

A Club, Eni, A Canal, Lanacaine, Bulca

2007-07-16T09:29:00.000-07:00

Because writing is one of the four major arts, I have decided to be very cautious and choosy about each word that I make usage out of. This endeavor makes writing much maximum tediousness. But out of course, not all of writing is about using the fanciest and most exquisite sounding phrases of tongue. Which is why G-d invented slang. Here is some club slang I have most of recently come asunder:

Breakdunce: This is a person who break-dances with a fancy-ish hat.

Bowdlerize: To bowl her eyes out (make-out).

Bunch-up: When everyone bunches up together so they can do drugs in secrecy. Usual illegal.

Bunch-up (2): When a thong becomes not a thong.

I just realized that whenever I see a reasonably small number in parentheses I get excited because I think it means I have new gmails.

Complications

2007-07-15T08:40:00.001-07:00

One of my lawyers dresses so badly that I had to fire him on the spot. This caused a big problem because the other lawyer is his wife, and she was not happy about watching her husband get fired so quickly, and probably not happy that her husband dresses like that. At the same time I made my point that I would not tolerate anything but the best from her and she probably had an inward blush, thinking, "Wow, now I am better than my husband professionally, despite all of the big-time prejudices that exist in this push-and-shove world of corporate law." Needless to say, this whole incident put a HUGE dent in the efficacy of the legal process I am participating in. Am I regretful of my decision? Was I too rash and now I have to pay for my actions in valuable time and less money than I was going to pay before? No. I stood up for my fundamental belief in what people should be wearing at all times. That is what this lawsuit has been about from the very beginning.

QUIK QUIZ:

Did you even remember that I was hiring lawyers?

What the...

2007-06-26T14:41:00.000-07:00

I admit, I was thinking of retiring from this blog. I'm not proud of it, but here is my reasoning: writing this blog was making it so that I had no time to actually go to clubs.

Sure, I sound like a crazy insaniac. Sure, just the very thought of retiring from this blog has paralyzed me such that I have neither gone clubbing nor blogged about clubbing. Sure, make fun. Laugh at me for being me. Thanks fans, really supportive.

ANYWAYS, I am out of retirement for one reason: In the New Yorker magazine this week, in the section where they tell you all the stuff that is happening on about town, the title they use for a blurb about some big music and drinking parties is: Mercury Rising. What the? Did they steal that from my blog? Here is a clue: my lawyers are looking into it.

I've Done It

2007-05-10T13:38:00.000-07:00

Okay everybody, here's the scoop: I am in shock. So I am standing in an elevator with a couple of guys who have that look that says "yeah, we go to clubs, and we make a big deal of it. Maybe not the next day when we're hanging over with sunglasses on and eating fries and other greasy stuff, but when it's time to club, we're about clubbing and we do it and we get the job done." You know the look.

So I say to them "Hey, Mercury rising, right?"

And they act confused and barely respond, and remember, I don't even know these guys.

"Mercury rising, guys? Mercury is rising."

Nothing. No response.

So, the thing is, apparently "Mercury rising" is not a common expression everyone uses to indicate that they are going to get drinks and go clubbing. I have been saying this for, I don't know, 8 years now. No one has had a problem with it before, but I guess maybe no one ever knew what I was talking about when I said it. That is pretty upsetting. People have been thinking I am a crazy person with some kind of planetary-science-tourets for 8 years, and I had no idea. I'm going to keep saying it, but now I know to explain what it means. You live, you learn.

New Planet

2007-04-25T14:17:00.000-07:00

Big news, big news, big news, I know, I know, I know, big news. There is a new motherfucking planet, and it is perfect for humans. I read about it this morning during my post-clubbing breakfast (I didn't go to a club, but I ate the same breakfast that I do when I am hungover after clubbing: two challah rolls and a glass of orange juice). Anyway, if we are gonna start living on this planet, we are gonna need some clubs, and who better to man them than yours truly—I'm not bragging, I'm just telling you something you already knew. Now let's dish:

CLUB ON EARTH 2, WHAT IT'S LIKE

1. Drinks will be expensive, because who is going to need more than one drink at that altitude? It's like drinking in Aspen if Aspen were 12 light years away.

2. There will be machines that can make you grind. This serves two purposes: first, it makes grinding better for the people grinding, and second, it avoids situations where you are grinding with an alien you don't want to rub space genitals with.

3. I just found out that as of now it would take about 1200 years or so to go 12 light years away. I think the thing is to wait about a hundred years for technology to be better, and then we could probably get that down to like a 900 year trip, which would be enough time for all the paperwork and maybe some good spaceship clubs.

4. I'm not sure if everyone understands the implications of the grinding machine I'm talking about: YOU GET TO CHOOSE WHO YOU ARE GRINDING WITH. If we had this kind of thing on earth, all ladies would be lesbians and the human race would die out. I'm not making this stuff up.

5. If we have to have spaceship clubs, I think it would be good to have a zero gravity room for the ladies, but all the men have full-on gravity (this is important to keep erections within the pants).

6. I have been writing this all out of order. Sorry buddies.

7. No one would ever have to work in my space club. It would just work itself. This is gonna be such a good club. Don't worry.

8. A fountain of beer.

9. Because this new planet is probably pretty cold and dark since it only has one sort of shitty sun, everyone could get decked out in the clothes of the time, probably with some alien animal fur. Plus, because no one is worried about global warming on this second earth, the heat would be up full blast, so everyone would take off their clothes. Maybe even a sauna.

I gotta go.

Not up to it

2007-04-24T09:06:00.000-07:00

It's not gonna happen today.

The New Yorker Caption Contest

2007-04-17T13:12:00.000-07:00

I decided to make my own caption contest. Send me your captions for this image: Don't forget to include your name.

Kids' Book

2007-04-16T09:21:00.000-07:00

My finances are in pretty bad shape which is why I'm trying not to go to too many clubs these days (man, does that sound weird coming from ME!). I thought of a few ways to make some bread and the best was to write a children's book (the worst was to go to a club and buy drinks for everyone). I am going to serialize this book, hopefully in Vanity Fair or Harper's, but I will start out here to build a fan-base. Here goes nothing, eleventhstreetclubbingblog fans!

The Kids Go To A Club

Part 1. What Should We Do Today?

"What should we do today, Rax?" asked Cody. Cody was 10, but he could pass for 7 if the occasion warranted.
"Let's do our homework and then maybe relax?" said Rax, with glasses.
"Gag!" screamed Cody, although he did not actually gag. "What food is here in your kitchen?"
"Maman said not to touch the food before dinner," sniveled Rax. "Isn't there anything else you'd like to do?"
"Unless..." said Cody.

Come by tomorrow for Part 2. Thanks.

Virtual Sanity by Jamiroquor's Truly

2007-04-13T08:25:00.000-07:00

A lot of you readers have been complaining that this blog isn't more interactive, because what is clubbing if not getting out there and finding out about other people through dancing and drinking and talking about jobs and real estate. Therefore, I am going to answer some questions from my angriest readers. P.S. How do I see how many people are looking at this blog? Is there a counter? I have definitely seen those on other blogs. If you know, tell me, it is important.

Question 1. Do you read all your letters or just some?
Answer: What does it look like? Your letter was stupid but I answered it anyway.

Question 2. I know you hate Bello Nock the clown from Ringling Bros. Is it because he doesn't lead a clubbing lifestyle?
Answer:

Dear Reader,

Here is my response: I hate Bello Nock the clown because he looks stupid and has stupid hair. I cannot imagine that his routine is funny or surprising. On a poster he is featured with some tigers who are standing up. If I am at a circus, do you think I want to be distracted from tigers who are standing up? Distracted by a skinny clown with bad hair? If you think that, you have misjudged me reader, and I do not want you to read this blog anymore. I am not trying to be mean. I hate this famous clown.

Does Bello Nock lead a clubbing lifestyle? A man who sits at home flicking Yoo-Hoo bottle caps into a baseball cap leads less of a clubbing lifestyle than worldly jet-setting Bello Nock, if that is what you are asking. I just a moment ago spoke with someone who said matter-of-fact that she had once slept with Bello Nock, and was I impressed? I was unimpressed with her and by him. A lot of women sleep with clowns, I am no idiot. I KNOW this. And sleeping with Bello Nock is like sleeping with the Mayor Bloomberg of clowns. Even after all of this, I hate Bello Nock, and I hope that I am never at the same club as him, even IF THAT MEANS I HAVE TO LEAVE A CLUB AND GO TO A DIFFERENT CLUB.

Question 3. How much would it cost to find out who you really are?
Answer: Reader, and other readers, let me do you a favor. Go to nytimes.com (that's the New York Times website) and search for eleventhstreetclubbingblog and there must be like 100 articles about me and this blog. You need to have TimeSelect, so if you don't, just borrow someone else's password. There are only like 50,000 people in the country who have one of those accounts, but I would imagine that makes them pretty popular in just such an instance as this.

Question 4. What are the best clubs in New York City?
Answer: What makes you think I am in New York City? Ha. You have picked up on my subtle clues reader. I am not too subtle for you. Anyway, this is just the kind of question that makes me wish I wasn't answering questions and was out at a club right now, doing what clubbers do. I will save my answer for tomorrow's post.

Question 5. How do you get your news?
Answer: I have my news baked into a fluffy angel cake, thrice daily.

Pays the Cost to be the Boss

2007-04-11T11:38:00.000-07:00

'House' was so bad last night. I can't believe there isn't the front page of the New York Times: 'HOUSE' WAS BAD LAST NIGHT. Anyway, as you can probably tell, I didn't go to any clubs.

Woah.

2007-04-10T13:44:00.000-07:00

I didn't go to any clubs (Duh, it is Passover and Easter). But I did see on the cover of a ladies magazine that there are 15 totally NEW things to know about sex that no one has ever heard before. Here is my guess for what those 15 things are:

1. Did you know sex is actually healthy for you?!
2. People have been having sex for GENERATIONS.
3. Oral sex: It's not just for the elderly anymore.
4. A carefully placed finger will turn your hubby into a TIGER!
5. Sex doesn't have to be fun. It can be serious.
6. What he's thinking: I want sex.
7. Sometimes touching hands is as good as a turn on.
8. When the lights out, he is masturbating.
9. Your fantasies are important too: try to self-publish!
10. Work makes people tired, but it is important to see a doctor if you can fit it in.
11. Sometimes the problem is MENTAL.
12. When the lights out, he is thinking about the future.
13. Everyone needs sex, except some kinds of psychopaths.
14. Can you kiss with glasses?
15. The butt: open for a discussion.

Clubbin' La Vida Locale

2007-04-06T08:29:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to a really great club called The Playwrighters Tavern near Times Square. It was incredible. Not a really great place for dancing etc. but bud lights were five bucks, which is just about the best deal you can get for a beer around. I saw a lot of familiar faces and even some new people who were really interested in what I had to say. Just another night for the books, as they say. Keep clubbin la vida locale, you guys.

Clubbin' in April

2007-04-03T11:23:00.000-07:00

April is a prime clubbing month. Get ready eleventhstreetclubbingblog fans, because there will be a lot of opportunities for clubbing. As soon as I work through some issues.

SORRY

2007-04-02T08:32:00.000-07:00

Really sorry guys, I've had a LOT of stuff to do (a bunch of relatives almost died). So I was going to go to this cool club called Park Bar on Saturday, but I ate way too much for dinner and I was in no shape to grind it frontwards or backwards, so I stayed home and caught up on some "The War At Home" episodes on the ole' DVR. I heard the club was pretty good, but mega-crowded. Maybe next week, hey?

New Year's Resolutions

2007-01-05T14:36:00.000-08:00

New Year's ReVolutions:

1. club
2. drink
3. grind
4. club it up

Club Alert

2006-12-22T09:13:00.000-08:00

ATTENTION CLUBS: IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO OFFER ME FREE DRINK TICKETS, DO NOT LET ME INTO YOUR CLUB.

QUESTION FOR CLUBS: Why do I have a vaginal stigmata on my left hand? Is this because I have not been clubbing enough, or is it because I have been clubbing too much? Or is it... am I some kind of a God?

Another Banner Weekend

2006-12-18T14:36:00.000-08:00

As you know, I annually make banners for my favorite clubs. This weekend I spent all Friday and Saturday making banners, so alas, no clubs. But Sunday I stopped in at a sweet little club in the West Village, called The Verisimilitude, which served no alcohol, but had some really good hippie dance music type shit. Get this though: no one was dancing. The times' they are a' changin', wrote the Bard, and at no time was that more true than now.

Guys

2006-12-13T12:55:00.000-08:00

Guys, I know I said I wasn't going clubbing for a bit, but that doesn't mean I can't blog at all. I've been thinking a lot at night now, which is what I guess people do who aren't clubbing, and I thought of this: do you know what would be a really funny headline for the whole New York Times? Buttfuck. That would be pretty funny if the whole page just said Buttfuck. I really gotta get to some clubs bros.

A Weekend That I Shall Not Soon Forget

2006-12-11T14:44:00.000-08:00

I am working at really experiencing every moment. This means no clubbing for a while though. Gotta stay focused.

Sorry

2006-12-08T14:30:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a couple days guys, but there has been a lot on my plate. I've actually been reading so many other blogs about clubbing that I haven't had time to go to any clubs or blog about it. My sincerest apologies. Kinichi wa, my friends.

An Update on This Past Weekend

2006-12-04T13:08:00.000-08:00

I went to the Crying Dandy, Club Fortress, and Pinocchio's Magic Club. All were sub-par, with the exception of Club Fortress, which was extremely well lit. I do not like when clubs are poorly lit or intermittently lit with powerful lights and occasional lights of differing colors. All in all, Club Fortress and Pinocchio's Magic Club were the best clubs of the weekend. Ciao for now. Expect more club info to come flying at you.

This Weekend is Gonna Be Great

2006-12-01T13:11:00.000-08:00

I'm really excited for this weekend.

Shirt

2006-11-29T14:19:00.000-08:00

I just invented a new shirt. It's part silk, part white dress shirt material, and part metal. I might try to get it on Project Runway, if I can.

Dudes

2006-11-29T11:30:00.000-08:00

I just checked this out: there are actually slightly less dudes overall than ladies. Not what it seems like. Just saying.

Too Many Dudes

2006-11-29T08:30:00.000-08:00

Have you guys noticed recently how there are too many dudes? The government should get involved somehow. I'll keep you posted.

Last NIGHT

2006-11-28T12:49:00.000-08:00

The clubs we always go to were HOPPING last night. I don't know if my fifty silk shirts will EVER recover.