Wednesday, April 25, 2007

New Planet

Big news, big news, big news, I know, I know, I know, big news. There is a new motherfucking planet, and it is perfect for humans. I read about it this morning during my post-clubbing breakfast (I didn't go to a club, but I ate the same breakfast that I do when I am hungover after clubbing: two challah rolls and a glass of orange juice). Anyway, if we are gonna start living on this planet, we are gonna need some clubs, and who better to man them than yours truly—I'm not bragging, I'm just telling you something you already knew. Now let's dish:

CLUB ON EARTH 2, WHAT IT'S LIKE

1. Drinks will be expensive, because who is going to need more than one drink at that altitude? It's like drinking in Aspen if Aspen were 12 light years away.

2. There will be machines that can make you grind. This serves two purposes: first, it makes grinding better for the people grinding, and second, it avoids situations where you are grinding with an alien you don't want to rub space genitals with.

3. I just found out that as of now it would take about 1200 years or so to go 12 light years away. I think the thing is to wait about a hundred years for technology to be better, and then we could probably get that down to like a 900 year trip, which would be enough time for all the paperwork and maybe some good spaceship clubs.

4. I'm not sure if everyone understands the implications of the grinding machine I'm talking about: YOU GET TO CHOOSE WHO YOU ARE GRINDING WITH. If we had this kind of thing on earth, all ladies would be lesbians and the human race would die out. I'm not making this stuff up.

5. If we have to have spaceship clubs, I think it would be good to have a zero gravity room for the ladies, but all the men have full-on gravity (this is important to keep erections within the pants).

6. I have been writing this all out of order. Sorry buddies.

7. No one would ever have to work in my space club. It would just work itself. This is gonna be such a good club. Don't worry.

8. A fountain of beer.

9. Because this new planet is probably pretty cold and dark since it only has one sort of shitty sun, everyone could get decked out in the clothes of the time, probably with some alien animal fur. Plus, because no one is worried about global warming on this second earth, the heat would be up full blast, so everyone would take off their clothes. Maybe even a sauna.

I gotta go.

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