New Planet

Big news, big news, big news, I know, I know, I know, big news. There is a new motherfucking planet, and it is perfect for humans. I read about it this morning during my post-clubbing breakfast (I didn't go to a club, but I ate the same breakfast that I do when I am hungover after clubbing: two challah rolls and a glass of orange juice). Anyway, if we are gonna start living on this planet, we are gonna need some clubs, and who better to man them than yours truly—I'm not bragging, I'm just telling you something you already knew. Now let's dish:

CLUB ON EARTH 2, WHAT IT'S LIKE

1. Drinks will be expensive, because who is going to need more than one drink at that altitude? It's like drinking in Aspen if Aspen were 12 light years away.

2. There will be machines that can make you grind. This serves two purposes: first, it makes grinding better for the people grinding, and second, it avoids situations where you are grinding with an alien you don't want to rub space genitals with.

3. I just found out that as of now it would take about 1200 years or so to go 12 light years away. I think the thing is to wait about a hundred years for technology to be better, and then we could probably get that down to like a 900 year trip, which would be enough time for all the paperwork and maybe some good spaceship clubs.

4. I'm not sure if everyone understands the implications of the grinding machine I'm talking about: YOU GET TO CHOOSE WHO YOU ARE GRINDING WITH. If we had this kind of thing on earth, all ladies would be lesbians and the human race would die out. I'm not making this stuff up.

5. If we have to have spaceship clubs, I think it would be good to have a zero gravity room for the ladies, but all the men have full-on gravity (this is important to keep erections within the pants).

6. I have been writing this all out of order. Sorry buddies.

7. No one would ever have to work in my space club. It would just work itself. This is gonna be such a good club. Don't worry.

8. A fountain of beer.

9. Because this new planet is probably pretty cold and dark since it only has one sort of shitty sun, everyone could get decked out in the clothes of the time, probably with some alien animal fur. Plus, because no one is worried about global warming on this second earth, the heat would be up full blast, so everyone would take off their clothes. Maybe even a sauna.

I gotta go.

Not up to it

It's not gonna happen today.

The New Yorker Caption Contest

I decided to make my own caption contest. Send me your captions for this image: Don't forget to include your name.

Kids' Book

My finances are in pretty bad shape which is why I'm trying not to go to too many clubs these days (man, does that sound weird coming from ME!). I thought of a few ways to make some bread and the best was to write a children's book (the worst was to go to a club and buy drinks for everyone). I am going to serialize this book, hopefully in Vanity Fair or Harper's, but I will start out here to build a fan-base. Here goes nothing, eleventhstreetclubbingblog fans!

The Kids Go To A Club

Part 1. What Should We Do Today?

"What should we do today, Rax?" asked Cody. Cody was 10, but he could pass for 7 if the occasion warranted.
"Let's do our homework and then maybe relax?" said Rax, with glasses.
"Gag!" screamed Cody, although he did not actually gag. "What food is here in your kitchen?"
"Maman said not to touch the food before dinner," sniveled Rax. "Isn't there anything else you'd like to do?"
"Unless..." said Cody.

Come by tomorrow for Part 2. Thanks.

Virtual Sanity by Jamiroquor's Truly

A lot of you readers have been complaining that this blog isn't more interactive, because what is clubbing if not getting out there and finding out about other people through dancing and drinking and talking about jobs and real estate. Therefore, I am going to answer some questions from my angriest readers. P.S. How do I see how many people are looking at this blog? Is there a counter? I have definitely seen those on other blogs. If you know, tell me, it is important.

Question 1. Do you read all your letters or just some?
Answer: What does it look like? Your letter was stupid but I answered it anyway.

Question 2. I know you hate Bello Nock the clown from Ringling Bros. Is it because he doesn't lead a clubbing lifestyle?
Answer:

Dear Reader,

Here is my response: I hate Bello Nock the clown because he looks stupid and has stupid hair. I cannot imagine that his routine is funny or surprising. On a poster he is featured with some tigers who are standing up. If I am at a circus, do you think I want to be distracted from tigers who are standing up? Distracted by a skinny clown with bad hair? If you think that, you have misjudged me reader, and I do not want you to read this blog anymore. I am not trying to be mean. I hate this famous clown.

Does Bello Nock lead a clubbing lifestyle? A man who sits at home flicking Yoo-Hoo bottle caps into a baseball cap leads less of a clubbing lifestyle than worldly jet-setting Bello Nock, if that is what you are asking. I just a moment ago spoke with someone who said matter-of-fact that she had once slept with Bello Nock, and was I impressed? I was unimpressed with her and by him. A lot of women sleep with clowns, I am no idiot. I KNOW this. And sleeping with Bello Nock is like sleeping with the Mayor Bloomberg of clowns. Even after all of this, I hate Bello Nock, and I hope that I am never at the same club as him, even IF THAT MEANS I HAVE TO LEAVE A CLUB AND GO TO A DIFFERENT CLUB.

Question 3. How much would it cost to find out who you really are?
Answer: Reader, and other readers, let me do you a favor. Go to nytimes.com (that's the New York Times website) and search for eleventhstreetclubbingblog and there must be like 100 articles about me and this blog. You need to have TimeSelect, so if you don't, just borrow someone else's password. There are only like 50,000 people in the country who have one of those accounts, but I would imagine that makes them pretty popular in just such an instance as this.

Question 4. What are the best clubs in New York City?
Answer: What makes you think I am in New York City? Ha. You have picked up on my subtle clues reader. I am not too subtle for you. Anyway, this is just the kind of question that makes me wish I wasn't answering questions and was out at a club right now, doing what clubbers do. I will save my answer for tomorrow's post.

Question 5. How do you get your news?
Answer: I have my news baked into a fluffy angel cake, thrice daily.

Pays the Cost to be the Boss

'House' was so bad last night. I can't believe there isn't the front page of the New York Times: 'HOUSE' WAS BAD LAST NIGHT. Anyway, as you can probably tell, I didn't go to any clubs.

Woah.

I didn't go to any clubs (Duh, it is Passover and Easter). But I did see on the cover of a ladies magazine that there are 15 totally NEW things to know about sex that no one has ever heard before. Here is my guess for what those 15 things are:

1. Did you know sex is actually healthy for you?!
2. People have been having sex for GENERATIONS.
3. Oral sex: It's not just for the elderly anymore.
4. A carefully placed finger will turn your hubby into a TIGER!
5. Sex doesn't have to be fun. It can be serious.
6. What he's thinking: I want sex.
7. Sometimes touching hands is as good as a turn on.
8. When the lights out, he is masturbating.
9. Your fantasies are important too: try to self-publish!
10. Work makes people tired, but it is important to see a doctor if you can fit it in.
11. Sometimes the problem is MENTAL.
12. When the lights out, he is thinking about the future.
13. Everyone needs sex, except some kinds of psychopaths.
14. Can you kiss with glasses?
15. The butt: open for a discussion.

Clubbin' La Vida Locale

Last night I went to a really great club called The Playwrighters Tavern near Times Square. It was incredible. Not a really great place for dancing etc. but bud lights were five bucks, which is just about the best deal you can get for a beer around. I saw a lot of familiar faces and even some new people who were really interested in what I had to say. Just another night for the books, as they say. Keep clubbin la vida locale, you guys.

Clubbin' in April

April is a prime clubbing month. Get ready eleventhstreetclubbingblog fans, because there will be a lot of opportunities for clubbing. As soon as I work through some issues.

SORRY

Really sorry guys, I've had a LOT of stuff to do (a bunch of relatives almost died). So I was going to go to this cool club called Park Bar on Saturday, but I ate way too much for dinner and I was in no shape to grind it frontwards or backwards, so I stayed home and caught up on some "The War At Home" episodes on the ole' DVR. I heard the club was pretty good, but mega-crowded. Maybe next week, hey?